My Dear Husband,
It has been a month now since I heard your voice.
A month since you told me for the last time that you love me.
A month... it feels like 2 days and it feels like 2 years. I miss you so much... so, so very much.
The children mostly just play and are generally happy, although they are both showing their grief in their own ways. Samuel has stopped asking me if you're going to get all better, but when his sensitive little heart gets hurt, he still cries for you. Amelia tells me often that she's sad that you died. She is afraid that I will die too and asks me lots of what-if questions.
I wish you were here to help me navigate grieving children. I wish you were here to help me with my own grieving heart.
It's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It's hard for me to do the tasks that need to be done each day. I want to stay in bed and cry all day, but the needs of the children keep me going.
I have this scream that is caught in my throat. Sometimes I'm afraid that it will come out. Other times I imagine standing on a mountain top and letting it out. I feel like if I started screaming I'd never stop. Well, until I lost my voice.
I want to scream because my heart hurts so much. Because I'm so angry that you died. Because I'm so confused and lost and alone.
I don't want to move on.
All I can think about are the plans we had for this year. We were moving back to Guyana with your plane. We were going to build a house. Get a dog. Adopt a child. Our family was going to be full and happy and blessed... but so far... I'm not feeling very blessed...
A lady from the counseling department at the clinic came by to talk to me yesterday when I had the kids in for an appointment. She said that the first time she met me she was struck by my strong faith... And she said that she knew that strong faith would carry me through this. But I don't feel like I have strong faith... I wish you were here to pray with me. I always feel stronger when you are at my side. How can I be strong without you?...
I am so thankful that you showed me what love looks like. I'm thankful that you never gave up on me. That you never stopped loving me.
You used to annoy me. LOL. I can remember getting so frustrated because you did things the "wrong" way. All of that died with you though. I can't think of a single fault you had. In my mind, you'll always be the perfect husband, perfect papa, perfect Captain.
You never got to see Chelan in the Spring. It's beautiful here. The hills are all green and wildflowers grow along the banks of the river and lake. The seaplane is making regular flights. We always stop to watch him take off or land, and we think of you. That was something you were really looking forward to - getting your seaplane rating. I wish you could have taken at least one flight...
I wish a lot of things...
I'm so glad that we have the hope of heaven. The hope of seeing you again. The hope of a world without cancer. I feel more impatient than ever for the resurrection.
There aren't enough words for me to tell you how much I love you, or how much I miss you. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is too broken to ever heal again.
I know it's silly to write you, and that you resting peacefully, and that you can't read this, but I just have to much I want to talk to you about. So I'll just be silly and pretend I can talk to you a while longer.
I'll love you forever.
-Cas
5 comments:
Sob, sigh... I weep with you. I love you.
You are not alone, friend. Isaiah 54:4-8.
Praying for you...
Dear Sister in Christ. My heart goes out to you in your pain. I can relate to all you go through. Been there and the tears have dried when I found the truth about the Sabbath. You don't have to wait too long to see your husband again. Don't lose hope in your sorrow. God can use our pain to strengthen others. In this world we have to endure, to share His glory. May the love of your children and family will make you strong. Never be sad in front of your children. I did that a lot because no one told me that I should be strong for my only child, without family, friends or a person speaks my language. God helped me so much that I can now share my joy with others. God bless you.
"Leave thy fatherless children; I will preserve them alive; let thy widows trust in Me." Jeremiah 49:11
"For I will turn your mourning into joy, I will comfort you and make you rejoice from your sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13b
"What I doest though knowest not now, but thou shalt know hereafter." John 13:7
"And we know that all things (not just some things but ALL THINGS) work together for good to those who love God to them who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
"To those who are reaching out to feel the guiding hand of God the moment of greatest discouragement is the time when divine help is nearest. You will look back with thankfulness upon the darkest part of your way. 'The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly.' 2 Peter 2:9. From every temptation and every trial He will bring you forth with firmer faith and a richer experience." Desire of Ages, 528
The pain of separation is the greatest pain one can bear. It broke the heart of Jesus as our sins caused Him to feel the pain of separation from His Father. But the Father was right there by the cross enveloped in all of that darkness. The Father is with you, too, enveloped in all of the painful darkness of the grief you are experiencing. He is closest to you now then He has ever been before.
"Through all our trials we have a never-failing Helper. He does not leave us alone to struggle with temptation, to battle with evil, and be finally crushed with burdens and sorrow. Though now He is hidden from mortal sight, the ear of faith can hear His voice saying, Fear not; I am with you. “I am He that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive forevermore.” Revelation 1:18. I have endured your sorrows, experienced your struggles, encountered your temptations. I know your tears; I also have wept. The griefs that lie too deep to be breathed into any human ear, I know. Think not that you are desolate and forsaken. Though your pain touch no responsive chord in any heart on earth, look unto Me, and live. 'The mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but My kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of My peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.' Isaiah 54:10." Desire of Ages, 483
When one pours out once heart, it is for compassion, it is for us to realize your pain. Unfortunately, the worldly people are more loving and compassionate than Christians. Look how the world joined together in grieving for Princes Diana. I still cry when I see her children. How I wish their mother was with them! May I send you my heart felt love for you and your children. Look at the "Kerala funerals" in u-tube. Hundreds will come to mourn the death of a neighbor. We don't have that kind of love any more since we are isolated with different Nationalities. God brought them to America, so that we can reach them for Jesus. If we have no love among ourselves, how can we show God's love to total strangers? I wrote this from my own experience. May God be merciful to us.
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