May 13, 2016

paddle boarding

Paddle boarding. It’s my new thing.

I’m not always excited to drag the heavy board down to the water, but I’m never sorry I did.

The thing about paddle boarding is, you don’t get anywhere unless you paddle. There’s no motor. No autopilot. No one else on that board but you (unless you have small children, then there is a good chance one of them is sitting on the back).

Today the current in the lake was pretty swift. And the children were pretty sassy. So I paddled out a ways (my sister was on the beach with the kids) and laid on my back on the board. And I drifted in current.

It struck me as I looked out, only inches above the water, that I was drifting. And not just in the water.

I’m caught in a current.

My head is barely above the water.

I need to stand up and paddle. Give the board some direction. Go somewhere.

But instead… I drift. Unable to stand on my feet. Unable to do what I need to do.


Today it’s been three weeks since I was widowed.

That word.

It still plagues me.

I picture a widow as an old woman who lost the argument with her husband “who would be the first to go.”

Not someone in her early 30’s with a 4-year old and a 6-year old.


Anyway. Three weeks. Or is it three years? Sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes it feels like it was only moments ago I last held him in my arms. Other times, it seems like so long ago.

In the last three weeks I have begun adjusting to being a single parent. We’re not there yet. Oy. Single parenting is not for the faint of heart. I’ve been virtually a single parent for months now, but at least I had someone I could talk to. That at least was something more than nothing.

I drift alone in parenting.

In life.

In all things…

Yet. The board, even without me controlling it, provides quite a bit of stability. No matter how close to the water I am, I don’t sink. No matter now much I drift, I float still.

I have a God who doesn’t let me sink either.

I feel like I might fall - especially when the waves come - but I don’t.

He is what keeps me stable. And floating. And above the water.

I’m drifting. But not alone.

We had a lovely day on the lake and my pale skin has darkened a little. My muscles are starting to get used to moving again now that I’m not sitting at my husband’s bedside for days and weeks on end. I’m starting to make healthier choices. Eating a little more. Drinking a little more water.

Paddle boarding is good for my body. And my soul. And my heart and my mind.

Todd would have loved it.


Steve said...

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. 1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14.

Cas, It's good to see you having a few minutes of fun there at that beautiful lake. We pray for you and Amelia and Sam every morning.

God continue to bring you comfort and peace! Steve and Samra

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