May 6, 2016

maybe someday

Everyone said there would be good days and hard days.

It’s a hard day. The loneliness and pain are overwhelming.

It’s been two weeks since I said goodbye.

Two weeks. The world keeps turning. Life continues. We keep on breathing.

…Just keep breathing…

I sat with Todd and begged him to keep breathing as he struggled. Now I’m giving myself the same reminder.

It was so painful for him to take breathes at the end.

It’s painful for me now also.

So painful.

But I keep on breathing.

We’re back at the lake house. The water is sparkling. The sky is blue. This is such a beautiful place. But I can’t stay here. I need a plan. A life plan. I’ve had numerous offers of spare rooms, jobs, etc. Nothing feels right. I was 19 when Todd and I fell in love and I’ve never done anything really without him. He’s always been the sensible one who keeps me grounded.

Without him, I might not ever eat a vegetable again.

Without him, I might end up with 20 dogs.

Without him, my heart might shrivel up.

I don’t know how to keep going, but I don’t have the option not to.

The questions that everyone is asking me are, “What do you need?” And, “What are you going to do now?”

I don’t know, and I don’t know.

Actually, I need to get a car. I’m a grown up and I don’t own a car.

Other than that…

I don’t know what I need. A house in the country with room for 20 dogs?

Feel free to comment below with life-plan ideas. Be creative. Or realistic. Or whatever. Maybe you can come up with something better than I can.

Todd and I always talked about what we would do if we couldn’t be missionaries. We’d make imaginary plans for if we had to live in the US again. I’ve always wanted to be a farmer and so most of our plans included a little farm somewhere. With an airstrip on it. While I don’t have need of an airstrip on my farm, it’s still a dream I have. Maybe someday.

My life feels full of “maybe someday”s.

Maybe someday I’ll get my farm.

Maybe someday my heart will heal.

Maybe someday I’ll feel whole again.

Maybe someday I’ll understand all the whys.

Maybe someday.

10 comments:

Judy said...

Cas if you can find a car with engine problems Warren can make it into something nice:).

Judy said...

Cas if you can find a car with engine problems Warren can make it into something nice:).

Warner Family said...

Have you heard of caretakers? There are websites where you can apply to live somewhere someone needs a caretaker - vacation homes, ranches, farms, lots of options. Some are remote, some aren't. We've often considered it.

Amanda Sanders said...

If I have learned anything working with grieving families it is this: right now you need to feel the pain. Hunker down because you will never be as raw as you are now. If you aren't ready to make decisions don't. Suffering is like the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel. You have to do it alone. Even with the vital support of friends and family, you have to wrestle this for yourself, no one can do it for you. Suffering is in fact wrestling, it's not a battle to be won only endured until it eases. Suffering leaves scars that will forever remind you of the match. Endure it. What comes will come, but for now feel the pain, acknowledge the emptiness and desperation and in a moment of clarity recognize that as dark as the night gets, you will come out having had an experience with God and be changed forever. Let your family and friends do for you, but don't let anyone take away your right to feel and that may mean waiting for the fog to lift before you make any plans other than just to sit with your emotions, scary as they are. You are doing it, you are surviving. Love to you.

Via Langteau said...

Whoever fears the LORD, he(she) shall be shown what path to choose. Psalm 25:12

Leave all to the LORD; trust in Him; He will do it. Psalm 375

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. Casting all your care upon Him, or He cares for you! Philippians 4:6 & 1 Peter 5:7

I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 24:11

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5

May the God of Love comfort and direct you dear one.

N. Harebottle III said...

Well said, sound advice.

N. Harebottle III said...

Well said, sound advice.

Abells Wife said...

Cas, As hard as it is, you do have to let yourself feel, cry, and just survive. Cry; it is so cleansing. Surviving is a weird, hard place to be. Feeling up, then down, guilty, then happy, at peace, then in the middle of the violent storm. Thankfully, God is there and He Will hold you. And the comfort in His arms, I've never known elsewhere; it's out of this world.

There are some things that help. Not worrying about a roof over your head and food to eat; and you said you have many offers to cover that. Live a moment at a time. . . Don't try to figure out next year or next month, just today or maybe, Big maybe this week. Do Have a routine; a schedule you can fall back on when you're so tired, so overwhelmed. It doesn't have to be complicated; breakfast, caring for Millie and Sam, lunch, nap, play time, dinner, storytime, bedtime. It sounds silly, but it's very protective. Having people you can call when life is overwhelming that you can say "Come get the kids for a while, I call you when I'm ready" is a blessing. People that won't ask a bunch of questions, just show up, pick them up, and make sure they have fun while they are away and their needs are met until you can pick yourself up and keep going.
Take pictures, other people can take them too, but you will understand later the need to haven taken some yourself.
Some days, you will simply go through the motions and others you will feel alive or anywhere in between.
Ask God to bring you a group that understands; by this I mean, in the military spouses connect and bond and support each other. Other women who can understand without you having to feel that you have to say any words.

Remember, there is hope; there is light at the end of the tunnel. Remember the vision that God gave you; He showed you that you will be together again and be wonderfully happy, that this is not the end. It's a separation, a time apart. -Love you

Stephanie said...

Cas, starting over is very, very difficult and can only be done one step at a a time. However, I agree with others in that, you need to be ready first. I think it's okay to think and dream, but don't stress or get overwhelmed by it. Take those offers for places to stay for now, and just go from there. One. Day. At. A. Time. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs and love,
~Stephanie

Stephanie said...

Cas, starting over is very, very difficult and can only be done one step at a a time. However, I agree with others in that, you need to be ready first. I think it's okay to think and dream, but don't stress or get overwhelmed by it. Take those offers for places to stay for now, and just go from there. One. Day. At. A. Time. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs and love,
~Stephanie

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