June 2, 2016

time

I am restless.

I feel as if I’m searching for something, but I’m not sure what it is that I’m seeking.

I sit down. I get back up. I sit outside. I go back in. I sweep the floors and put the broom away. Then I get it back out and sweep more.

What am I supposed to be doing?

Everyone keeps telling me to take my time. For what? What is it that I am supposed doing with all this time?

I hate time. Time tricks you and it makes you think you have time, but then it’s gone.

Gone…

This month will be my 13th wedding anniversary. It will also be 2 months since I lost my husband. Thirteen years wasn’t enough. I feel cheated out of the life I had. And now I have this life… A life of searching and wondering and staring out the window watching for him to ride his bike over the last hill before home…

You know, we didn’t have a Hollywood romance. There were moments, but for the most part, it was not a great story. No one will ever make a movie about our love story. It was too real. Too boring for Hollywood. We had hard times and we had great times. We had sad times and quiet times and frustrating times. We had fights and we had hurt feelings and we cried. We made up and we laughed and we never stopped loving. Our love never stopped.

We loved until death parted us…

And I love him still.

I have a new car. When I say “new” I mean NEW. I’ve never had a new car before. Some friends and churches worked together and raised enough money and bought me a new car. It’s my dream car. It’s so fancy and practical and techy and all I want to do is show my husband this amazing gift. I keep closing my eyes and imagining his reaction. His eyes open wide and his mouth drops open. I love his surprised face. It always makes the surprise totally worth it.

The first thing he would do after looking inside is open the hood and check out the engine and start a maintenance notebook and start keeping track of the gas milage.

But I can’t imagine for too long. My heart can’t handle too much imagining.

We also came home to 2 fluffy black kittens. A friend of a friend had a litter and as we were driving home, on a whim, I had someone go pick them up and take them to the house for me. Something to help with the transition. The kids are in love. Amelia named her girl Mary and Samuel named his boy Moses. They named them totally on their own.

Samuel is asking for a doggy for his birthday in 2 weeks. I want to get him a puppy, but finding the right one is tricky. When Todd and I got married we rescued Alex, the best dog ever. He was a Great Dane, and that’s what I want to get now. So if anyone has any leads on good puppies, let me know. ;)

The kittens, and the puppy and the car and everything, as great as they are, are all things that I can never share with my husband. It’s all part of moving on and I hate that. I hate moving on. It’s so sad and hard and painful. I’m afraid of forgetting. I’m afraid of the kids forgetting.

Sigh.

Change. Moving on. Time. I don’t have as much control in this life as I once thought I did…

1 comments:

Moni Dominic said...

Dear sister: Write down your feelings and let it out. May the Lord be with you as you fight your battle without your husband. We have hope. We are not without hope. We know we will see our loved ones again if they walked with the Lord. That will be your motivation to go on. I remember Ellen White saying at her husband's funeral, standing next to his body, " I will move on, I have work to do". She lost 2 children and her husband and God gave her courage to move on. I pray the Lord will heal you and help you to move on. It will take time but live with the hope of seeing him again.

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