January 6, 2016

up and down

It was this time last week my whole world was turned upside down. I feel like I’m forced to walk on a treadmill. Only the treadmill is on a roller coaster. And there is a tornado. Up, down, 5 steps back, and everything is up in the air again. Rinse, repeat.

I got puppy therapy today

This morning I woke up to the news that Todd is required by the FAA to ground himself. That means he’s not allowed to be PIC (pilot in command). Having cancer means he lost his medical. The FAA will clear him to fly PIC again 1 year after the cancer is totally gone and treatments are done.

The only thing on the planet, other than finding out my husband has cancer, that makes my heart break to pieces is finding out his love, passion, and lives work is being taken away. Down, down deep.


We later found out that there might be loopholes, and it might depend on the type of cancer. I am praying this is true. Back up.

Later, I hear a knock at the door. I look at my friend who was over, and in the middle of a good cry with me, and winced. I open the door to a group of kind looking people. I wasn’t ready for this visit. Down we go.

The came to pray with us, encourage us, and people I had never met before left us with $1,700 in our hands. Soaring high to see that God is providing through strangers!

Up, down, 5 steps back, and everything is up in the air again.

We found out that there are very specialized Sarcoma hospitals in the US. Hospitals that only deal with this rare cancer. Did you know this? I did not. The thought never occurred to me.
But there are. Only, not in Tennessee. If we want to best care to Todd - which we do - maybe it will be best to leave after all. The though of leaving our support network makes me sink down, makes my heart sink down.

On the phone with the Seattle Cancer Center Alliance and as I’m talking to the new patient adviser, I begin to feel so strongly that this is where I want my husband to get care. And then we start talking about the finances. Down, down to the bottom dollar. They won’t even make an appointment unless they know we can pay for it. Our insurance doesn’t cover out-of-state. Down, down I go.

And then she tells me that if we’re self pay, we have to pay a deposit.
“Are we talking $50 or $50,000??”
A pause. “$1,600.”
I laugh.
She must think I’m crazy.
I am laughing harder, “I just have to tell you something. These strangers showed up at my door today…”

Up, up to the heavens where God quietly whispers in my ear, “I am with you.” 

Up, down, 5 steps back, and everything is up in the air again.

So now we are trying to see if we can get insurance in Washington. Figure out housing. Get Todd over there. Get the kids and I over there. I need to pack. What do I pack for Todd? What do cancer patients need? Will I be able to cook for him and keep him on his whole foods, plant-based diet? This part, the part with all the questions, feels like the treadmill. The questions run and run through my mind but so far, our answers continue to be few.


I would like to address something that has been said to us a few times so far. Everyone has their own spin on it, but basically it’s a statement about how we’re so amazing, or so strong, or so whatever.

Yesterday I wrote about why we aren’t asking, “why us?” and this is a continuation of that thought. This is going to suck and it’s going to be hard - but aren’t the things that are the most meaningful and the most worth it hard? We are ready for this. I mean, as ready as we can be at the moment, but God is sustaining us. God is leading us. We truly believe that. That doesn’t make us amazing - that makes us Christians.

We are no more amazing than anyone else.

We are no more strong than anyone else.

We have nothing special in and of ourselves that makes it so we can be or do something extra-ordinary.

We are simply people who love and trust God.

We go through ups and we go through downs.

And when we’re up, we thank God.

And when we’re down, we thank God.

We are amazing? No. We are nothing but vessels. Who’s love we’re filled up with - now THAT’S amazing.


Sonna said...

Cass, I don't know about blogs so I don't even know when you read these comments or if I put the last one in the right place. Please send me your present mailing address ASAP. Either by text or email.
Very important for me to get in touch with you.

Sonna and Stephen

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A. Those puppies stole my heart, B. These is aptly put, ups and downs mold us into the best versions of ourselves, better to learn to live with them.

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