January 10, 2016

not saints but blessed

January 9:
Today, for the first time, I let my mind go where I haven’t let it go yet. I was in the shower and I started thinking about what our lives would look like without Todd. And before you all tell me to rebuke those thought and not have them - my reality is that I can lose my husband. And more than just we can lose anyone at anytime.

I thought about how I would tell the children, and what it would be like to have to call places (student loans, etc.,). Then I thought of sleeping at night all by myself. And I wondered what I would do and where I would go. Not planning, just… wondering. Not getting worked up, just realizing the reality of the situation.

Reality is a weird thing...

People keep treating us like we’re saints. And we are so, so, so not. We sin just as much as everyone else. We have the same struggles as everyone else. We are just as human as everyone else. If you are tempted to think that for whatever we are better/stronger/saintlier than the rest of humanity, please don’t. This entire experience has humbled us more than I knew possible and I fully know how unworthy we are of the ridiculous blessings we are experiencing right now.

It’s because of God’s love, not because of us. Can we just be clear about that?

This afternoon after church our closest friends, our pastor, and the elders from our church came to our house and surrounded us with so much love. They shared, encouraged, and prayed for us, and the pastor anointed Todd. Such a moving experience. It was draining because it was so emotional. Emotions make me so tired. I wish I couldn’t feel anything for just a little while.

I feel like I could start a new blog called, “All the Ways the Andersons are Blessed.” It would be a full time job just to keep it updated. Yesterday I took Amelia to church and this is what I have to say about our church - they know how to love on people! I can’t even tell you. The love was so thicks you could feel it in the air. And these loves gave so generously to Todd and I. We were blown away with a substantial gift that our church family all contributed to.

So much love. So many blessings.


Anonymous said...

And that's exactly as God planned families to be--blessed in the body, by the body, for the body. I love it--and you----yippppeeee doooooo! So take every smidgen of it you can get, and keep on giving it yourself!

Barbara said...

Those big, scary thoughts and questions, you have to think about them. You do have to have to sort them out. I know. They have gone through my mind at various times in the last year since my husband had a stroke. But I learned that I can't stay there. My favorite verse has become "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalm 56:3. Why? Because God has said He loves me with an undying love, and because He says, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. And through the last year, God kept giving me strength. I know He will keep doing it for you, and for whatever is ahead. Please keep us informed so we can pray. Love to you all.

K. Jimenez said...
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K. Jimenez said...
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K. Jimenez said...

I don't know if you remember our family umapine Church, reading your story reminds us of our walk this past year when my father in law was diagnosed with cancer. When I was reading the emotions that you're going through, it brought back a lot of memories. I remember a lot of that happening in our family. You're going to be in great hands at SCCA, that's where my father in law went. Thankfully he's doing very well now. And we will continue to pray for you guys, I know we don't know each other well, but if you have any questions about that place or a place to stay for a while, please let us know.

Katie Jimenez

K. Jimenez said...
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